[JOHN LEGEND'S ''SAVE ROOM'' PLAYING]
Oh, come on
Save room for my love
Save room for a moment to be with me
Save room for my love
Save a little
Save a little for me
Oh, I'm so fuII.
You were right, I shouIdn't have eaten aII that bread.
Want to spIit a dessert?
You okay? You seem a IittIe off.
Yeah, I'm just trying to think about what I want.
CAL: Yeah, me too.
Why don't we just say it at the same time? One, two, three....
-I want a divorce. -Crème bruIée.
[MOLLY SHRIEKING]
[JESSICA BABBLING]
-You can't get away. -Aah!
[GLASS BREAKING]
It's okay, that's my fauIt.
Come on, Iet's get you to bed before your parents get home.
No puppy eyes, you IittIe maniac.
Go brush your teeth.
Aren't you gonna say anything?
AImost 25 years of marriage and you have nothing to say?
Robbie.
Hey, Robbie, have you seen MoIIy's homework?
ROBBIE: Get out. -Oh, my God.
ROBBIE: CIose the door. JESSICA: Um....
Okay, Robbie, I'm reaIIy sorry, and I didn't see anything.
[WHISPERS] Oh, my God.
You're not taIking, and you know that onIy makes me taIk more.
But maybe that's good, you know? Because maybe I'II just say it.
Maybe-- Maybe I'II just teII you I sIept with someone.
David Lindhagen. From work.
-You met him at the Christmas party. -PIease stop.
The Iast person in the worId I'd wanna hurt is you.
If you keep taIking, I'm gonna get out.
I think the fact that I did it, it just shows how broken we are.
-Okay. -How much we reaIIy-- CaI.
Oh, my God! CaI!
Are you okay?
I'II Ieave tonight. I'II sign whatever you want. Just pIease stop taIking about it.
Okay.
[CAL GRUNTS]
ROBBIE [IN NORMAL VOICE]: I'm sorry you had to see that.
No, you know, I shouId have knocked.
[SIGHS]
Just for the record, I think about you whiIe I do it.
-Robbie. -I have this picture of you...
-...and I Iook at it the whoIe time. -Stop it.
I Iove you, Jessica.
I am actuaIIy begging you to stop it.
And I know you're 1 7, and I know I just turned 13...
...which is the same age as your IittIe brother.
But soon our age difference won't even matter.
Which is good, because I'm pretty sure you're my souI mate.
Okay, um....
-Listen, Robbie-- EMILY: We're home.
-Shit. -Hey.
Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Weaver, how was--?
Oh, my God. Uh, what happened?
Mrs. Weaver said she wanted a divorce, and I jumped out of the car.
-CaI. Honey-- CAL: WeII....
-Kids good? Everybody good? ROBBIE: Dad?
EMILY: Oh. -Oh. Hey, I didn't see you standing there.
-You're getting a divorce? CAL: WeII, yes.
Uh, so, Jess, did MoIIy get through dinner okay?
Yeah, yeah, she's--
-You jumped out of a moving car? -I jumped out of a moving car.
EMILY: Did she fight you on broccoIi? -No, she didn't.
She aIways fights me.
-Sorry you had to find out this way. -Sorry you jumped out of a car.
-I'm sorry if she fought you. -It's okay.
I don't have any money.
Uh, sweetheart? Let's go to bed, okay?
Listen, why don't you grab your coat? I'II drive you home. AII right.
I don't care. I Iove him. I reaIIy do.
And, given the opportunity....
Yes, I wouId have his babies.
SeriousIy? Conan O'Brien? You wouId do Conan O'Brien?
Oh, my God, yes.
Ew. Friend to friend, ew.
I don't know. Your Iife is so PG-13.
-My Iife is not PG-13. -Oh, it so is.
-No, it's not. LIZ: Yes, it is.
You've never Ieft L.A. You pass the bar, you're gonna be what, a patent Iawyer?
ProbabIy married to that human VaIium, Richard. I just--
Listen, I worry about you, is aII.
So much potentiaI...
...and you've resorted to fantasizing about Conan ''Ginger Junk'' O'Brien.
-He's funny. -He Iooks Iike a carrot, honey.
JACOB: Who Iooks Iike a carrot?
Hi. Who Iooks Iike a carrot?
Conan O'Brien.
My friend Hannah here thinks he's sexy.
That's weird, I think that your friend Hannah is sexy.
Oh, my God. You did not just say that.
How oId are you?
-What are you, a Iawyer? -Yeah. A IittIe bit.
JACOB: Come on. -I know.
-You are? Is she? -Gonna be.
Don't you think you're a IittIe oId to use cheesy pickup Iines?
-Objection. Leading the witness. -Ha, ha.
You're wearing that Iike you're doing it a favor.
-Oh, God. -That's a Iine.
Me sitting there for the past two hours not being abIe to take my eyes off you is fact.
I mean, there's Iots of beautifuI women in this bar. Your friend incIuded. Hi.
I Iove you.
But I can't take my eyes off of you. That's a fact, it's not a Iine.
I find you very attractive.
Do you find me attractive?
-She does. -I don't.
-Tsk. You do. She does. -Yes, she does.
-I don't. -You do.
-I don't.
-Hannah, can I buy you a drink? -No.
-You say no a Iot, don't you? -No.
Oh, boy. Permission to approach the bench?
HANNAH: SeriousIy?
Just, come on, Iet me deIiver my cIosing argument.
Sure. Proceed.
-Hannah, we Iive in a physicaI worId, right? HANNAH: Uh-huh.
-And you're going to age, right? -Mm-hm.
JACOB: I guarantee you this:
You're never gonna regret going home with that guy from the bar that one time...
...that was a totaI tomcat in the sack.
But I can't guarantee that you won't not regret it.
-That was a doubIe negative. -You're a doubIe negative.
Okay. Hannah, can I buy you a drink?
Okay. You know what? It's time to go home.
JACOB: ReaIIy? -Mm-hm.
JACOB: That's forward of you, but okay. I'II do it.
HANNAH: I TiVoed Saw lll.
So shouId I get my car or yours? ShouId I puII the car around?
You been drinking? I'II drive.
-Liz? LIZ: Coming.
[SIGHS]
-I'II have to caII Nanna. -Huh?
Oh. Noth--
[CLEARS THROAT]
So Stanford, huh?
Good for you. That's great. I know your dad's reaIIy proud.
Yeah. Yeah, he's....
-Are you sure you're okay? -David Lindhagen, God.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
CAL: I'm sorry. Sorry about that.
It's okay.
Um....
-Mr. Weaver? -Hmm?
Um....
You're the nicest dad that I babysit--
Of aII the, um....
You're reaIIy nice.
-That's very nice. -And, um...
...I Iike Ms. Weaver, I Iike her a Iot. Okay?
But if she wants to divorce you...
...then I think she's batshit crazy.
Mm.
-Sorry. -Okay. Okay.
I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortabIe.
-I've deveIoped, Iike, a IittIe crush-- -CouId you do me a favor?
WouId you not mention to your parents that Mrs. Weaver and I are, you know....
It's something we wanna teII them on our own, okay?
Yeah.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
Have a good night.
[GRAM RABBIT'S ''LOST IN PLACE'' PLAYING]
See you soon
BARTENDER: Another vodka cranberry?
I'm sorry. What?
BARTENDER: Another vodka cranberry? -Oh, yeah. Yes, thanks.
lt's no surprise
I've been by this pIace a miIIion times, never come in.
It's nice, Iot of pretty girIs.
Nowhere
This is my life
-Hey, guess what. -What?
My wife is having intercourse with someone who is not me.
Um, I'm sorry to hear that.
Oh. Thank you. That is very nice of you to say. Very, very nice.
[SCOFFS]
She just toId me. I just found out, so I'm a IittIe raw. It's--
Ah, okay. WeII, you're not Iistening.
[SCOFFS]
Okay.
You wouIdn't ignore me if I were David Lindhagen.
My wife doesn't ignore David Lindhagen.
She screws him.
Screws him.
[WOMAN LAUGHING]
They make this, Iike, gurgIing sound, it's Iike:
[JACOB GURGLING]
Gay.
-Hey, CaI. CAL: Hey.
BOSS: Hey.
Oh, I just, uh.... I got the report on the end-of-year financiaIs.
-Good. Good, good. ReaIIy great. -Oh, good.
You kiIIed this quarter.
Okay.
BOSS: CaI, seriousIy. -AII right.
-Okay. BOSS: SeriousIy.
Who toId you that EmiIy and I are getting divorced?
-You're getting a divorce? -Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
Amy heard you crying in the bathroom. We aII thought it was cancer.
-Oh. -Thank God, man. Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah, just my reIationship.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
-Thank God. -Oh....
Divorce.
[BOSS LAUGHING]
-I'm so Iucky. -You are.
-I have to go pick out furniture now. BOSS: Okay, okay. You go for it.
[BOSS LAUGHS]
It couId have been cancer, buddy.
Hey, everyone, it's just a divorce.
MAN: AII right, buddy.
Thanks. FeeIs good.
[TRUCK DOOR CLOSES]
[CAL SIGHS]
CaI? I just wanted to say....
Shit.
Can I back that thing out of the driveway for you?
-Oh, no. I'II be fine. -You have troubIe in reverse, is aII.
When I get settIed, the kids can come and take a Iook at my new pIace.
I think I'm having a midIife crisis, maybe.
Can women have midIife crises?
In the movies it's aIways men having them and buying ridicuIous yeIIow Porsches...
...but, you know, I'm not a man.
Be sure to fertiIize aII this.
We got married so young, CaI. And now I'm 44.
And it's so much oIder than I thought I'd be.
There's a turnoff vaIve for the sprinkIers over there.
Last week, when I toId you that I had to work Iate...
...I went to see the new Twilight movie by myseIf.
I don't know why I did that.
And it was so bad, CaI.
It keeps raining, you might wanna turn off the automatic setting.
And we haven't been us. Not for a Iong time.
And I don't know when you and I stopped being us.
I mean, do you?
Maybe it's when you screwed David Lindhagen.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[LATE NIGHT ALUMNI'S ''YOU CAN BE THE ONE'' PLAYING]
Nobody wants to be alone
[ALL CHATTERING]
The heart beats happy when it has a place
And if it doesn't have a home
lt can come into my space
So you can be the one l love
l can be the one you long for
You can be the one l want
Hey.
Sorry I'm Iate, I had to pick something up at Macy's.
CAL: Oh. Don't even worry about it. -A chardonnay.
I'm just gIad you're here.
[CAL SIGHS]
Wow.
I don't know. I don't know what happened. Tough coupIe of days.
You know when you don't see something coming--
CIaire said I can't be friends with you anymore.
What?
She said we had to choose between you and EmiIy.
I chose you.
But she said no.
It's coIogne.
Bernie?
-Are you breaking up with me, Bernie? -There's a gift receipt in there aIso.
CAL: Bernie?
Bernie. Bernie.
l can be the one you long for
You can be the one
[THIEVERY CORPORATION'S ''THE HEART'S A LONELY HUNTER'' PLAYING]
CAL: You know a word that is not used very often anymore?
''CuckoId.''
I'm a cuckoId.
David Lindhagen cuckoIded me. He made a cuckoId out of me.
He sIept with my wife.
And I didn't know about it.
And that is the definition of cuckoIdom.
David Lindhagen took my wife and sIept with her.
[CAL GROANS]
Thought I did everything right. Got married, had kids, the house.
What do I get for it? I get cuckoIded.
David Lindhagen cuckoIded me. He made a cuckoId out of me.
[JACOB WHISTLES]
Welcome to my spaceship
lt's beautiful forever
Can you give me five minutes?
The heart's a lonely hunter
Interesting.
Hey. Jacob PaImer.
-CaI Weaver. -Let me buy you a drink, CaI.
-Thanks, I have a drink. -Sit. I'd Iike to buy you a drink.
Okay.
Guess what.
-My wife is having an affair with-- -David Lindhagen.
David Lindhagen. I know.
-How do I know that? -I don't know.
I'm a totaI stranger. How wouId I know something so intimate?
-Lindhagen screwing with your wife too? JACOB: No.
[LAUGHS]
-Hmm. JACOB: You wanna know why I know that?
[COUGHING]
Okay.
It's aII that I've heard, CaI, for the past two nights. It's aII anybody's heard.
You're going around and you're badgering peopIe with this sad-sack Ioser sob story.
-I don't understand why. -I don't need this crap.
-CaI, sit down. -AII right.
Look, I know that it sounds harsh, but it's true.
And you need to hear the truth. Okay?
Okay.
CaI, wouId you take that straw out of your mouth? PIease.
That Iooks Iike you're sucking on a tiny schwantz.
Is that what you want? Is that the message you wanna send?
-No one's thinking that. JACOB: ReaIIy?
-So permission to speak candidIy, sir. -Uh, think you've aIready gone there.
You're sitting there with a Supercuts haircut...
...getting drunk on watered-down vodka cranberries Iike a 14-year-oId girI...
...and you're wearing a 44 when you shouId be wearing a 42 reguIar.
HonestIy, I don't know if I shouId heIp you or euthanize you.
CaI, you got a kind face.
You got a good head of hair. You seem Iike a nice guy.
I wanna heIp you. I'm gonna heIp you rediscover your manhood.
Do you have any idea, Iike, where you Iost it?
-A strong case couId be made for 1984. JACOB: WeII.
We're gonna find it.
We are. I promise you.
And I promise you this too, CaI:
When we're done...
...this wife of yours...
...she's gonna rue the day she ever decided to give up on you.
That's my offer.
You in or you out?
Why are you doing this?
Maybe you remind me of someone.
You in or you out?
I'm in.
Hey, fancy face, you wanna go?
Okay.
Century City MaII, food court, 3:00, Thursday.
After you, hon.
Good night, fancy face.
She wiII rue the day.
Set you guys up with some snacks over here. TV's aIready on.
[MOLLY SHRIEKS]
[BURNHAM'S ''AUTOMATIC'' PLAYING ON TV]
You okay?
Mm. Yeah. You?
Mm.
Can I teII you something?
Love sucks.
[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]
CAL: Yeah.
You in Iove, buddy?
ROBBIE: WeII, if you must know-- -Ding-dong.
-Oh, hey, Jess. Thanks for coming by. -Hey. Yeah.
What is she doing here?
Guys, I have to step out for a coupIe of minutes. Okay? AII right? Okay.
Mom wants you to stay whiIe she's out hooking.
-What? CAL: What?
Oh. Um, the pIace is nice, Mr. Weaver.
Thanks. That's a very generous adjective.
-Honey. ROBBIE: I don't need a babysitter.
She's onIy four years oIder. You need to know that.
-She needs to know that. -I know, I know, I know.
Man, are you growing up.
Look at him. It's unbeIievabIe. He's in Iove aIready.
Oh.
MoIIy. Say bye to Daddy.
-Wait, where are you going? -I'm taking a cIass.
-That is great, Mr. Weaver. -Thank you.
This is a difficuIt time for you, right? And it's important to try new things.
Even things that you haven't considered trying before.
Mm-hm. Yup. MoIIy, I'm going.
Okay. That's my princess. Bye. Thanks.
-But wait. Dad. CAL: Bye, guys. See you in a bit.
Hey, Tiger.
-I Iove you so, so much. -Jeez, Robbie.
I Iove you so much. PIease?
What the heII am I doing?
What am I doing?
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
MAN: Hey, uh, everybody.
Everybody. Uh, if I couId--
Thank you. A IittIe toast.
I wouId Iike to thank you aII for coming to Hannah Banana's goodbye party.
And to my...
-[IN GOOFY VOICE]...Hannah Banana. ALL: Ha, ha.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] You go into your cave and you study your butt off.
Because if you do, I just know that you are gonna kick that bar's butt...
-...out of here. You know? -Yeah.
It reminds me of an oId story my Iaw professor toId me--
Oh, dear God. Cheers, everyone.
ALL: Cheers.
RICHARD: Hey, Liz.
Listen, when my girI here passes...
...I'm gonna have another IittIe ceIebration right here...
...and I hope you can make it, because it's gonna be a speciaI night.
Okay.
-Did you hear that? LIZ: Hear what?
-You heard that? ''SpeciaI night''? LIZ: Yeah. Yeah.
You think he's gonna propose?
At the EI Torito GriII? God, I hope not.
Why, do you want him to?
[CHUCKLES]
I don't know, he's nice.
''He's ni--''? Hannah.
He's a sweetheart. Look at him.
-He bcc'd you? -Right, yeah.
AII right. Hannah, Iook at you. Look at you.
If you end up with that, what am I gonna end up with?
-Shut up. Come on. -That shit's depressing.
AII right. You know what? I have to not big-sister you. It's fine if--
Jesus, reaIIy?
No. No. Not my Iife. Not my Iife. I'm going. Okay?
So caII me if you need anything. Bye.
You're awfuI. Bye.
Thank you for coming.
CAL: Um....
-You're Iate. -Yeah. Sorry.
-Sbarro's? -No, thanks.
Let me ask a question. How much you got for cIothes?
Um....
-What happened to your feet? -What do you mean?
-These are my 407 s. -Oh, they're 407 s.
-Can I see them? -Yeah.
-These offer a Iot of support. -Right.
CAL: Whoa. Come on.
-What, are you in a fraternity? -Are you insane?
You couId have hit somebody. What was that?
-I'm asking a question. You in a frat? -No.
-Are you Steve Jobs? -What?
HoId on a second. Are you the biIIionaire owner of AppIe Computers?
-No. JACOB: Oh.
Okay. WeII, in that case, you got no right to wear New BaIance sneakers ever.
-Come on. -Mm-- Oh--
Okay. AII right.
JACOB: One of the best parts about being a guy your age--
FrankIy, there aren't many, so you shouId reaIIy take fuII advantage of it.
Uh-huh.
--is that you can rebuiId your entire wardrobe with Iike 16 items.
Credit card.
[VELCRO RIPS]
What?
You see, the probIem is that your head has Iike....
Like the proportions of a Styrofoam peanut.
The skin under your eyes is starting to Iook Iike Hugh Hefner's baII sac.
It does.
[VELCRO RIPS]
Where are your waIIets?
-I'm set for jeans. -You're not set for jeans.
-These are fine. JACOB: They're not fine.
-You have a mom butt. -Why don't we just go to the Gap?
You know what? They have a s-- Okay.
What are you doing?
CaI, be better than the Gap.
Be better than the Gap.
Say it.
I'm better than the Gap.
-Come on. -God.
-Stop sIapping me. ReaIIy. JACOB: Okay.
You're beautifuI.
He Iikes to sIap me in the face.
-What are you doing Iater? -Ha, ha. I don't know.
-I do. -Do you?
-I know exactIy what you're doing. -Oh, ha, ha.
CAL: SeriousIy? SeriousIy?
-You ask her out Iike that? -Yeah.
And that worked?
BOTH: Yeah.
FeeIing kind of stupid, but....
TIFFANY: Wow.
Look at you.
FeeI Iike I'm going skiing.
-WouId you sIeep with him? -Jesus. God.
-Yeah, probabIy. -Wha--?
You wouId?
[CHUCKLING] That's-- What?
[CAL LAUGHING]
What are you even saying?
You see what just happened, CaI?
Soon as you opened your mouth, Tiffany started doubting whether she wanted to.
That's the meanest thing anyone's ever said to me.
No. This is.
Your wife cheated on you because you Iost sight of who you are as a man...
...as a husband, and probabIy as a Iover.
You're right, that's meaner.
Let's taIk about how many women you've been with.
-SexuaIIy? -Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting.
One.
No. Not at one time.
[JACOB CHUCKLING]
How many totaI?
Don't say it. Don't say it.
We met in high schooI, okay?
Oh, boy. You're kidding me.
One woman? That's great.
-EmiIy is beautifuI. -I guess.
She was gorgeous. She was one of those women...
...that couId be wiIdIy sexy and unbeIievabIy cute aII at the same time.
We had a IittIe bIip senior year--
I IiteraIIy stopped Iistening at ''EmiIy.''
I think we shouId start approaching women tonight.
Are you ready to go?
I miss my wife.
JACOB: Hi. AMY: Hi.
JACOB: How are you? -Good. How are you?
I'm great. I'm Jacob. What's your name?
-Oh. Amy Johnson. -Amy Johnson.
[AMY LAUGHS]
-I'm Jacob PaImer. How you doing? -Uh, great.
JACOB: Good. -I'm CaI.
JACOB: No. Not yet.
-Sorry. Amy, can I buy you a drink? -Uh-huh.
Keep her company?
-I'd be happy to. -If he gets handsy, Iet me know.
[CAL LAUGHS]
I wouIdn't touch you if my Iife depended on it.
-Uh, what was your name? -CaI Weaver.
AMY: CaI Weaver. -No reIation to Dennis Weaver.
-Uh.... Uh.... -McCloud.
McCloud was a show in the '70s that--
You're not taIking about McCloud again, are you?
Here we go, huh? To aII of our faIIen homeys.
WeII, I'm the fourth of five sisters.
-No. That's boring. -Oh.
Not for your sisters, but for my purposes, it's not gonna work.
-Okay. -I have this friend.
And he thinks that you're way too pretty to be interesting and that's hogwash.
-AII right. You wanna get out of here? -Uh, sure.
Giddyup.
Am I boring you? I'm totaIIy boring you. I'm--
How are you doing this, Iike...
...wiIdIy sexy but unbeIievabIy cute thing that you're doing?
JORDYN: Uh.... -It's weird.
-You wanna get out of here? -Yeah.
-Okay. JORDYN: CooI.
So MoIIy, who's 6 at the time, can't find Mr. Bobo.
We're Iooking aII over.
It's in the kitchen. Mr. Bobo was in the kitchen the whoIe time.
Wanna get out of here?
Have a good night.
-Let's get out of here. -Yeah.
-Let's get out of here. -Okay.
-Let's get out of here. WOMEN: AbsoIuteIy.
-Let's get out of here. -Okay.
Shit.
[PHOTOCOPIER BEEPING]
-You have a second? -Hey, David. No. Because I'm swamped.
DAVID: You've been avoiding me. -No. I haven't.
You ran in the other direction when you saw me coming down the haII yesterday.
-You're very fast, by the way. -I ran track in high schooI.
That must be it.
Hey, Iisten, I'm sorry about you and CaI.
-No, you're not. -No, I'm not.
I Iike you, EmiIy.
Do you have any idea how much I Iike you?
Hey, David, you know, I reaIIy have a Iot to do.
I had no intention of faIIing for a married woman...
...but aII of a sudden we're having Iunch and I'm this accountant...
...who's waking up every morning excited to go to work.
And that just does not happen for accountants. Ever.
I checked with other accountants.
David, you know what? You've been a great friend.
You noticed Iast month when I got my hair trimmed and that was huge.
But Iook, trust me. You know....
I am saving you from disaster, because you're asking to pre-board the Titanic.
Do you reaIIy want any part of this?
Do I reaIIy want any part of this?
[KNOCKING]
-EmiIy? Your report's ready. -Okay.
TEACHER: Okay, peopIe. Here it is.
The Scarlet Letter by NathanieI Hawthorne.
A romance set in SaIem in the 1600s. It is about sin.
[CELL PHONE BEEPS]
TEACHER: Forced to wear the scarIet A to punish her aduIterous behavior.
DimmesdaIe's A is infIicted upon himseIf in the form of a--
Mr. Weaver.
Are we interrupting?
You wanna taIk about The Scarlet Letter, Ms. Tafferty?
AII right.
WeII, the A they're both wearing...
...I think it stands for ''asshoIe.''
Wanna know why?
Because they feII in Iove...
...and Iove is for stupid asshoIes.
And this book is just about a bunch of asshoIes...
...who feII in Iove, Iike asshoIes...
...then had to die, Iike asshoIes.
I'm sorry about aII the ''asshoIes.''
You know what eIse might work? A swear jar.
You know, a quarter per curse word.
EMILY: Yeah, we'II definiteIy try that.
AII right. CouId heIp.
-Take care. -Thanks.
-SeriousIy? -Sorry.
Hey, I have to go back to the office. You're gonna have to wait for me there.
ROBBIE: Fine.
They're stiII making kids read The Scarlet Letter, huh?
Yep.
You'd think somebody wouId have written something better by now.
I guess I shouId take that down, huh?
I guess.
So how is he? You know.
I mean, I-- Oh, no. I'm sorry. Forget it. Just ignore me.
-Forget I ever-- -He's out a Iot.
-A Iot? -Yeah.
Like....
Like ''a Iot'' a Iot, or just Iike a IittIe?
A Iot.
WeII, that's good. That's reaIIy good.
-Wanna get takeout tonight, honey? -I mean, he's sad.
I can teII that he's sad. Even though he Iooks better...
...I can stiII teII that he's not happy, you know?
Yeah. WeII, you know. Yeah.
I guess I'm pretty sad too.
I know.
I heard you crying the other night.
Didn't know what to do.
Oh, Robbie, baby, you're 13, you're not supposed to know what to do.
I tried GoogIing it.
-You did not. -Yep. I did.
-WeII, what did you GoogIe? -I searched ''Mom crying in bed.''
What did GoogIe say?
Just a bunch of weird videos of moms in bed.
Ugh. Oh, God. Okay. AII right, that's enough. No more.
[EMILY GAGS]
Do those parentaI controIs work at aII?
They work for me.
Because you're a disgusting teenager, that's why.
[LAUGHS]
DAVID: Hey. -Oh, hey.
-BiII wants to see you before you take off. -Oh. Uh, David, this is my son, Robbie.
Robbie, this is David.
-Um, we work together. -How you doing, buddy?
-You aII right to wait a IittIe bit? -Yeah.
EMILY: Okay. Thanks, David.
So, Robbie, I hear you're quite the soccer pIayer.
So, David, I hear you broke up my parents' marriage.
-You are David Lindhagen, right? -Lindhagen.
-Yeah. Here's the thing, Lindhagen. -Hagen.
Whatever.
In the end, she winds up back with my dad.
He's a better guy than you are in every category.
And she stiII Ioves him. He's not gonna give up on my mom...
...Iike I'm not gonna stop sending Jessica messages...
...that make her feeI uncomfortabIe.
Hey. You ready to go, honey?
-Can we order Chinese for dinner tonight? EMILY: Yeah. Sure, honey.
Hi, David. Get your stuff.
-Bye, David. DAVID: See you.
You're not gonna be abIe to feeI your arms.
I'II be fine.
Jesus Christ.
JACOB: Look, Iet's face it, CaI, aII right?
The war between the sexes is over, and we won, okay?
We won the second women started doing poIe dancing for exercise.
But even though we won, they stiII deserve our respect.
Make them feeI beautifuI, Iisten to their probIems, open the door for them.
WouId you put on some cIothes, pIease?
-I'm sorry, is this bothering you? -No, it's not.
My schwantz is in your face. If it's not bothering you, we got a probIem.
-Okay, it bothers me. -I don't care.
You gotta take controI of your manhood, paI. You know?
You want something, you take it.
You don't Iike something, you say it. I take what I want.
David Lindhagen certainIy took what he wanted, didn't he?
And I can guarantee you this:
He is opening the car door for your wife right now.
What, you passing out?
Oh, boy.
[ALL CHATTERING]
-I think you're ready, paI. -For what?
To taIk to a pretty Iady, and take her home and show her your gift.
No. No, I'm not.
You're ready as you're ever gonna be.
You pIay your strengths, paI. That's aII any of us can do.
I'm mysterious.
I'm, you know, good in bed.
And you are a, uh...
...you know, stabIe and empIoyed aduIt.
Jesus.
You see this Iady over here at 9 o'cIock?
CAL: You want me to hit on her?
No, I wanna hit on her. The one behind her.
CAL: Oh.
JACOB: She's a fox, right? CAL: Mm-hm.
You think she came to a crowded bar to have a quiet drink aIone? She's hunting.
She's just Iooking for an opportunity to settIe for a responsibIe and stabIe aduIt.
And I'd Iike her to settIe for you.
Oh. WeII, thank you for the ego boost, but you know what?
Just because I've watched you pick up women...
...doesn't mean I know how to pick up women.
-Ever see Karate Kid? -What does that have to do with anything?
When he's teaching him to wax on and off but reaIIy to fight?
You want me to fight someone?
What's the first thing I do when I go up to a girI? I buy her a drink.
Yes, aIways. Without faiI. You buy her a drink.
Even if she doesn't want one, you insist.
-And do I taIk about myseIf? -Never.
Never about yourseIf, aIways her.
-Because bar banter...? -Is boring.
So you put the impetus on her. She has to be the interesting one.
''Impress me. Impress me with how interesting you are.''
It's a big game. Game. Creepy, creepy IittIe game you pIay.
-That's judgmentaI, isn't it? -Mm-hm.
At the end of the night do I ask them to come home?
No, you teII them to come home. They have no choice in the matter.
It is your choice and they are so overjoyed to have had the opportunity...
...to make sweet, sweet Iove to you.
Oh, my God.
You did, you Miyagi'd me.
Honk.
Take your ring off. Let's go.
Just no taIking about your kids, your job, David Lindhagen, don't you dare.
Shut up, shut up. Just shut up.
-HeIIo. JACOB: Hi.
Hi. Hi.
-Who are you? -Hey. I'm Kate.
-Kate, you mind if I introduce you to my--? -I'm CaI.
-I got this. PIeased to meet you. -Hi.
And this is my friend Jacob. He was just Ieaving.
-Oh. -Oh.
So that's one way to treat peopIe.
So can I buy you a drink, Kate?
-Oh. No, thank you. -I'm gonna buy you a drink anyway.
Grey Goose, right?
Rocks. Two Iimes?
I'm five years sober.
-What can I get for you? -Nothing. Nothing.
Go away, we're good. PIease don't come back ever.
-Ahem. So, what do you do, CaI? -I don't know. What do you do, Kate?
-I asked you first. -I asked you second.
[KATE LAUGHS]
SeriousIy, what do you do?
Are you reaIIy not going to teII me what you do?
Ah....
-Uh, okay, I'm a teacher. -Boring.
Come on, you gotta keep it interesting. Interest me.
Uh....
-I studied at Oxford for five years. -Boring!
Wow. Teacher with an aIcohoI dependency who studied at Oxford.
BIah, bIah, bIah. BIeh.
EngIand. Yuck.
I think my friends just got here.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
-Okay, I'm in corporate insurance. -Oh, God.
I have chiIdren, pIuraI.
My wife was cheating on me with Lindhagen...
...which I wasn't supposed to teII you. Nice to meet you.
-What were you supposed to teII me? -I don't know. I don't know.
I was supposed to say that you are the perfect combination of sexy and cute...
...which is actuaIIy something that I used to say to my wife.
But now it's become corrupted.
And I have 18 Iayers of cIothes on.
I'm wearing a shirt and a tie and a sweater and a suede jacket...
...that just seaIs in aII the heat.
SeaIs in aII the juices.
It's aII sweat under here. This is just sweat from here down.
This sweater, this is caIIed sIim cut, but it feeIs Iike a scuba suit.
And I'm Iooking at your breasts. What's that about?
You think I'm the perfect combination of sexy and cute?
That's what you picked up from what I just said?
Mm, mm.
[KATE MOANING]
-So this is my crappy apartment. -Oh. Ooh.
Dumpy. That I had to move into after my wife Ieft me.
I Iove how you're being so honest.
-You Iike that? -It's so different. It's so hot.
Okay. Okay.
KATE: Aah! Ha, ha. -Wow! Wow!
-More. -Okay.
CAL: Wanna hear something reaIIy hot? -Mm-hm.
I've onIy had sex with one woman. In my entire Iife.
-Honest or not honest? -That's honest.
[KATE SHRIEKS THEN LAUGHS]
More! TeII me more.
I'm a IittIe worried you have AIDS.
Just a IittIe. Just a IittIe bit.
It's okay, I'm not worried.
[BOTH MOANING]
Oh, my God, this is so much fun.
What do you wanna do with me?
Oh....
I wanna show you off to my ex-wife and make her reaIIy jeaIous.
[KATE SHRIEKING AND LAUGHING]
[CAL SHRIEKS]
CAL: Whoa, man.
Phew. Ha, ha.
You gonna caII me?
Okay.
Yeah.
Wow, that is a great dress. Where'd you get that?
Thank you. A store in BeverIy HiIIs.
CAL: ReaIIy? BeautifuI.
WOMAN: It was a gift from my grandmother.
-ReaIIy? WOMAN: It's a Krugerrand.
It's from South Africa.
I Iove it.
[GABBY & CAL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
And I toId him never to assume anything.
And I've been to Maine, so that's a sixth state. So I've been to six states.
-Oh, I Iove Maine. SOPHIA: Oh, yeah, it's beautifuI.
-Have you been to WaterviIIe? -I have, yeah.
[BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Greece, ItaIy.
Greece, ItaIy?
Wanna get out of here?
-You're driving. -I am.
[LISA CHUCKLES]
I have never experienced that in my Iife.
-Pretty great. -Are most women Iike that these days?
-God bIess technoIogy. -God bIess it.
I went and met this girI the other night. She was heckIing me the whoIe time we....
I feIt Iike I was doing it with the two oId guys from The Muppet Show.
-Ha-ha-ha. StatIer and WaIdorf. JACOB: I was into it.
And she was Iike, ''Look at this frown on your face. What is that?
You're so serious. What, it's serious to kiss me? It's supposed to be fun.
Oh, my God, if it's gonna be hard work, why don't you just stop?''
[CAL LAUGHING]
[LINE RINGING]
HANNAH [OVER PHONE]: Hello?
Hey. Hot guy from the bar who hit on you is here.
Tsk. Liz, I'm studying.
You shouId be studying the ceiIing of his bedroom.
l am eating a caramel apple.
In what worId, honey? PIease, turn around. No.
Come on, take a break. It'II be good for you to get out.
And by get out...
...I mean have hot guy from the bar knock you into his headboard untiI you see God.
What is wrong with you?
You shouId be studying the curve of his--
Okay, goodbye, Liz.
That too much? HeIIo?
BERNIE: Look, I gave him the coIogne Iike you toId me to...
...and I don't think we shouId reaIIy just dance on his grave.
WOMAN: I just thought you'd wanna know what I heard about your oId paI CaI.
What about Mr. Weaver, Mom?
Um, just, apparentIy, Mr. Weaver has become a reaI Iadies' man.
-What? -CIaire.
CLAIRE: She shouId know. She babysits for him.
She's aImost an aduIt. Lots of young women in and out of his apartment.
BERNIE: She's too young for this.
I don't Iike this S-E-X taIk in front of the K-I-D-S.
CLAIRE: First of aII, they can speII. Second of aII, I'm just saying.
I think we were right in choosing EmiIy.
[BELL RINGS]
JESSICA: Oh, um-- -Why are you foIIowing me?
Madison, I just had a question for you.
Okay, Jessica, what's up?
It's kind of on the personaI side.
Yep, my Iips are:
[BARKING]
SeaIs. My Iips are seaIs.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. Um....
My question, and I don't mean to be bIunt or insuIting, but Iet's just caII it what it is.
You're aIways sIeeping with oIder guys, right?
-AIways. JESSICA: Oh, um....
So my question for you, Madison, is, um, how do you do that?
I mean, how do you get them to see you as not just a kid in high schooI, you know?
But as someone that's mature, and oId, and that's....
WeII, first off, I have a huge rack.
Uh, yes, you do.
You don't have a huge rack.
No.
-Wait, how oId is he? -OId.
MADISON: Like reaIIy oId?
[CLEARS THROAT]
-Like parent-oId. -Nasty, Jessica.
Yeah, because that's what I was thinking, right?
MADISON: Rock on. -Thank you.
MADISON: You are so dirty. -Yes, I know.
Oh, okay. You gotta force his hand.
You know what I mean?
Go TMZ on his ass.
-Not foIIowing. -A dirty picture.
-Oh. Oh. -Make this face:
[MOANS]
-Jeez, Madison. Stop. MADISON: What?
You put that on his radar and he won't see you as a IittIe girI anymore, that's for sure.
[ALL CHATTERING]
-Hey, what's going on? -Hey. We don't know.
ROBBIE: BehoId.
Jessica RiIey, you are my souI mate.
-The Iove of my Iife. STUDENTS: Ha-ha-ha.
I have marked myseIf with a scarIet J for you, Jessica.
Get down from there.
ROBBIE: NathanieI Hawthorne-- Are you mad? -I am your babysitter. You get down.
Oh, my God.
-What are you thinking? -Like the scaffoId?
Took me Iike four weeks to make it. It has wheeIs.
JESSICA: This has got to stop, Robbie.
-You'II Iearn to Iove me, I promise. -No, I won't.
-Because I'm four years younger? -Because I Iove somebody eIse.
Who is he?
He's oIder.
And I didn't want my parents to find out.
You know I'II kiII him if he hurts you.
Yeah, I know.
Okay, Robbie, this has to stop.
Okay? No more.
Grow up.
I'II see you around.
[BELL RINGS]
[YELLS]
CAL: Unh. Okay.
[CAL GRUNTING]
Okay.
So you're seeing Mom tomorrow at my parent-teacher thing.
Yeah, no biggie.
What's with aII the moping?
Uh, nothing. It's just....
There's a girI.
-A girI, huh? -Uh-huh.
You Iike her?
I Iike PringIes.
I mean, this girI...
...she's incredibIe.
She's my souI mate, you know?
She doesn't even care.
But she's your souI mate, right?
Yeah.
WeII, you just don't give up on her, right?
Why not? You did.
I didn't give up.
Okay, it's more compIicated than that.
I'm a different guy now.
You're not different. You just have different cIothes.
It's not that simpIe, kiddo.
-What kind of crap is that? -Watch it.
You Iove her or you don't. I know you do.
I'm serious, Dad. I just need some inspiration right now. AII right?
Go get her back.
Wow, how oId are you?
EMILY: Wow.
You Iook great, CaI.
Oh. Ha, ha.
WeII, it turns out I've been buying the wrong size suit for Iike 20 years, so....
Oh, weII, whatever. You, um.... You Iook great.
Thanks. You aIways Iook great.
Oh, thanks.
-So I spoke to Nanna yesterday. -Yeah, me too. How'd she sound to you?
Um.... Like Nanna. She worries about us.
What teacher is this?
Ms. Tafferty. She's the one he puIIed the Scarlet Letter asshoIe routine on.
Mm-hm.
God, he's such a weird kid.
-I kind of Iike him, though. -Mm-hm.
Yeah, me too. GIad we switched babies at the hospitaI.
Me too. That other one's in jaiI, probabIy.
[EMILY CHUCKLES]
So how's it going with David?
Oh, you know, it, um....
It wasn't, um....
That didn't mean anything.
-I mean, you know, if-- -No. No, I know.
You seeing anybody?
Me?
Mm-mm.
Oh, you know. WeII, you hear things, you know, so....
No. No. Not reaI--
You know me.
[CAL CHUCKLES]
Yeah, weII....
No.
I miss you, Em.
I made an effort when we were younger, didn't I?
I mean, miniature goIf and dancing. You were such a great dancer.
I had to be. You were such a good miniature goIfer.
I just-- I don't know. I guess I got Iazy. I got....
I got boring, is what I got.
No.
And I'm so mad at you.
I'm reaIIy mad at you for what you did.
But I'm mad at myseIf too.
Because I shouId not have jumped out of that car. I shouId've fought for you.
Because you fight for your souI mates.
Least, that's what my 13-year-oId son teIIs me.
He's a reaIIy strange kid.
He scares the shit out of me.
I miss you too.
[DOOR OPENS]
Mr. and Mrs. Weaver?
No way in heII.
-CaI, what are you doing here? -Oh, you two know each other?
Yes. Yeah, right. We've met before, yes.
-''We have met before''? SeriousIy? CAL: Mm-hm.
So I'd Iike to introduce you to my wife, EmiIy.
Hi, I'm Robbie's mom.
She's your wife again. How convenient.
So shaII we enter?
-Okay. -Why don't we?
CAL: Yeah, Iet's do that.
I'm sorry. I'm pIaying catch-up. How do you two know each other, exactIy?
-Um.... -Um....
[SNAPS]
Maybe your husband shouId teII you.
We.... I think we met at Iast year's parent-teacher conference, wasn't it?
[LAUGHING]
Did I miss it? Did I miss the parent-teacher conference thing Iast year?
Yeah. I don't remember.
Why don't we just, uh, focus on Robbie?
KATE: Yes.
Yes, Iet's do that. Let's....
Let's focus on Robbie.
As you know, Robbie's shining moment...
...was when he set a schooI record for cursing in an eighth-grade EngIish cIass.
[LAUGHS]
AsshoIe. Ha-ha-ha.
You're famiIiar with this word, Mrs. Weaver.
Yes, I am. And I've spoken to PrincipaI--
AsshoIe. As in someone who teIIs a woman that he'II caII and never does.
CAL: Hmm.
AsshoIe. As in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him...
...but is actuaIIy fuII of shit Iike the rest of them.
-[WHISPERS] This is not about Robbie. -Mm-mm.
AsshoIe. As in someone who aIIows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes...
...because he's nervous.
-AII right, aII right, aII right. -Ew. Ew. Oh.
CAL: You know what? Know what? No.
Here's the deaI.
-[WHISPERS] She's an aIcohoIic. -Aah!
EMILY: Oh, God. Okay. CAL: That's-- I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry. God. EMILY: I gotta go.
KATE: Aah! -Oh, my God. EmiIy. God.
-EmiIy, EmiIy, wait. -Leave me aIone, CaI.
KATE: I'm sober five years, asshoIe!
Okay, yeah, I did. I did.
I sIept with our son's eighth-grade EngIish teacher.
EMILY: I know. I know.
And I cheated, so I have no right to be angry.
Not the point. When we were married you were the onIy woman...
...that I had ever sIept with...
...and now I have had sex with nine different women-- God.
Nine?
Wow.
You showed me.
I wasn't trying to show you.
I was trying to move on.
But I don't want to.
You've aIways been the onIy one.
TeII her she's the perfect combination of sexy and cute, asshoIe.
You said that to her?
I did, yes.
Who are you?
I'm your souI mate.
[ENGINE STARTS]
What a cIiché.
RICHARD: You, get over here. Come on.
Yeah, yeah, give it up. Give it up for her.
Aw.
I'm so proud of you, baby.
I had my doubts, of course.
[ALL LAUGH]
Hannah, I did teII you that tonight wouId be a speciaI night if you passed the bar.
So, Hannah...
...I wouId Iike to formaIIy ask you...
...in front of aII our friends and coIIeagues...
...if you wouId Iike to become...
...a permanent Iawyer at the firm of Watkins, GoIdberg and Schmidt? Huh?
How about that? Ha, ha. To you.
Whoo!
[RICHARD CHUCKLES]
What?
-I ju-- Um-- RICHARD: What, what is it?
I thought that you were gonna propose for some reason.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
RICHARD: What? -Yeah. I know. I'm just--
It's just, uh, I'm a IittIe thrown.
RICHARD: I'm sorry.
I didn't reaIize that you thought that we were there.
Oh, no. God, no. Don't be siIIy. I just--
I need some time, I think...
...to figure out how I feeI about us, you know?
Brrp. Long-term.
You need some time?
You need some time to figure out how you feeI about us? Okay.
Honey?
[LAUGHS]
-Wow. Ha-ha-ha. -Ha, ha. Wow.
-Ahem. -Wow. Huh.
Wow.
[HANNAH LAUGHING]
This is actuaIIy reaIIy funny. I'm just-- Next IeveI.
-Is this yours? Is this yours? MAN: Yes.
Mm. Mm.
RICHARD: Honey?
-Is this gin? MAN: Yes.
-There's, Iike, no water in that. -Yeah.
RICHARD: Great. -Mm. Aah, I hate gin.
Wow, you know what? Thank you, Richard.
HonestIy, thank you very much for your job offer. I wiII consider it.
Hannah Banana.
LIZ: Whoo! Ha, ha. -Banana. Hannah.
WOMAN: Do you wanna buy me a drink? JACOB: Yes.
-It's nicer that way. Right? HANNAH: You.
You remember me?
Yeah.
-You stiII find me attractive? -Yes.
HANNAH: StiII wanna take me home?
Yeah.
Let's go.
[DORIS TROY'S ''JUST ONE LOOK'' PLAYING ON STEREO]
Just one look
And l fell so hard
Here.
I reaIIy Iike this song. This was a good choice. Yeah.
-Good song. You never hear this song. -Mm-hm. Mm-mm.
Love this song.
[CHUCKLES]
JACOB: Cheers.
How good it feels
Ugh.
That's not my drink.
Your love
Mm. Mm.
Ugh.
It's not my favorite. Thank you.
Forever
And always
-So is this how it normaIIy works? -What?
You put on the perfect song, you make them a drink.
And l knew
And then you sIeep together.
That you
Um....
Yeah.
I'm very nervous.
I'm getting that.
Okay. Because I know I seemed confident back at the bar...
...but that was mostIy just because I was coId and wet...
...and trying to be dramatic a IittIe bit.
You're adorabIe.
No.
I am sexy.
-I am R-rated sexy. -Mm-hm.
Okay, I know what happens in the PG-13 version of tonight, aII right? I know.
It's that I get reaIIy drunk and then I pass out.
You cover me with a bIanket, kiss me on the cheek, nothing happens.
But that's not why I'm here.
I am here to bang the hot guy that hit on me at the bar.
-Jacob. -Jacob.
-Are peopIe stiII saying ''bang''? -I do.
We are gonna bang. Hmm?
This is happening.
-Take off your shirt. -Why?
PIease, wiII you take off your shirt? I can't stop thinking. I need to just--
-Okay, okay, okay. -AII right, okay, okay, okay.
Fuck.
SeriousIy? It's Iike you're Photoshopped.
Can I--?
JACOB: Aah. You have coId hands.
-Now you take off your dress. -No.
-Yes. -No. Not with that going on. No, thank you.
Is there dim Iighting somewhere? Oh, God.
Okay, so then what do we do? What happens now? Like, IogisticaIIy?
-What's your move? -What do you mean, what's my move?
-What's your move? Your big move? -I got Iots of moves.
-What's your big move? -I'm not teIIing.
-TeII me your move. -You're not ready for the big move.
-Yes, I am. -You can't handIe the big move.
-TeII me your big move. -I work Dirty Dancing into the conversation.
Dirty Dancing?
-Can I sit down, pIease? -Yeah.
-Can I put back on my shirt? -No.
Why Dirty Dancing? What do we do? Do we watch it?
You know the big move at the end where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey?
-Yeah. -I can do that.
-Okay. -So I teII girIs I can do the move.
I put on the song ''Time of Your Life.'' I do the big move.
And they aIways wanna have sex with me.
Oh, my God. That's the most ridicuIous thing I've ever heard.
I agree. But it works every time.
That wouId not work on me.
[BILL MEDLEY AND JENNIFER WARNES' ''THE TIME OF MY LIFE'' PLAYING]
Oh, God, this is ridicuIous. I don't wanna do it.
Come on.
This is beyond ridicuIous.
-Run and jump. -No.
-Yeah. Come on. -No, thank you.
Thank God I'm drunk. Here we go.
[SHRIEKING]
'Cause l've had the time of my life
And l owe it all to you
l've been waiting for so long
Now l've finally found someone To stand by me
Ahem. So do you prefer to do it here or in the bedroom?
The bedroom is preferred.
Mm-hm. Yeah, okay. Let's go there.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
HANNAH: This piIIow...
...forms perfectIy to the shape of my head.
Yeah.
Is this one of those foam piIIows from Brookstone?
[JACOB SIGHS]
Yeah.
-Yeah? Oh. -Yeah.
I aIways wondered who buys those kind of--
The hot guy from the bar buys these. Of course.
-Jacob. -Mm-hm, Jacob. Sorry about that.
Good.
I'm sorry, continue.
You don't have one of those ridicuIous, um, massage chairs, do you?
[JACOB SIGHS]
-You do? -No.
-Yes, you do. -Yeah, I do.
-Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God. -I don't. I don't. I do.
Who wouId have that? I wouId. I have that.
-How much was it? -Five thousand doIIars.
[LAUGHING]
Ask me how many times I've used it.
-How many times have you used it? -Twice.
That's $2500 a massage.
Twice.
-Where is it? -It's in the garage.
Can I sit in the massage chair?
[CHAIR HUMMING]
I hate it.
The Home Shopping Network. But I'm addic-- I buy-- I'm just the worst.
-Do you have a SIap Chop? -Yes.
-The knife that cuts through the penny? -Yes.
-Ha-ha-ha. What eIse do you have? -Coin Bears.
Coin Bears? You don't have Coin Bears.
I have a whoIe set from each state.
You have 50 Coin Bears?
-They have a coin in their foot. -You stay up nights.
I am wiIdIy unhappy.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
I'm trying to buy it, and it's not working.
-Were you smart in schooI? -A IittIe bossy, yeah.
But I won a speIIing bee and my dad cried at the speIIing bee.
-No way. That's nice. -Mm-hm.
-What word did you win on? -It was so stupid.
[IMITATING LAUREN BACALL] I Iove curIing up with a rich cup of coffee.
What, you think coffee and sIeep don't mix?
WeII, they do if it's High Point. It's decaffeinated.
And the flavor is marvelous.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Do you have that moId that makes cakes--?
I have caIf pants.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
I have pants just for my caIves. CaIf pants.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[HANNAH SNORTS]
Oh, my God.
CouId you do me a favor?
-What? -WiII you do me a kindness?
HANNAH: Mm.
WiII you ask me something personaI about myseIf?
Hmm. Okay, fine. I'II do it. And then we bang.
Yes.
What's your mother Iike?
My mom is very beautifuI.
Um.... Very vain.
Very smart.
CoId.
And your dad?
Um....
He died a Iong time ago.
He was such a sweet guy.
He was probabIy too sweet.
Very successfuI in business.
He made a Iot of money, which is why I have aII this stuff.
But he was soft.
Just too soft, too sensitive.
And, you know, Dad, he couIdn't reaIIy handIe my mother...
...and didn't reaIIy make an effort.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
CAL [OVER MACHINE]: Hey, Jacob, it's Cal.
Where are you?
Remember the first woman l picked up, that teacher?
Well, l have a story to tell you about her.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
CAL: lt's been a week. l haven't heard from you. Should l be concerned?
l am imagining you suffocating under a pile of women. Call me.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
Oh. Yeah, hey, it's me again.
Left Iike a hundred messages.
Listen, if this is a Miyagi thing, I'm not getting it, so....
CaII me back, pIease. Thanks.
DAVID: Been to St. Louis? EMILY: No, I haven't.
DAVID: I aIways dreamt of pIaying shortstop for the St. Louis CardinaIs, actuaIIy...
...but I couIdn't hit a curvebaII, so I did the next best thing.
Yeah, you became an accountant.
Right. ExactIy.
I mean, the money's not as good, but there's Iess traveI.
Mm. Ha, ha.
-I was gonna be a baIIerina. -ReaIIy?
So teII me, what is it with women and baIIerinas?
I just pictured myseIf in the baIIet.
It's not Iike I had a Iot of training or anything.
I mean, I actuaIIy never reaIIy had a Iesson...
...and, um, haven't seen a baIIet.
You've never been to the baIIet?
-Mm-mm. DAVID: Wow.
-I'd Iove to take you to the baIIet. -You'd Iove to go to the baIIet?
I didn't say that. I'd Iove to take you to the baIIet. I'd drop you off.
Later on I'd pick you up and we couId go to a baII game.
EMILY: Oh, I get it.
[BOTH LAUGH]
EMILY: Ha, ha. -I had a Iot of fun tonight.
You Iike sushi? I know this reaIIy great IittIe sushi pIace--
EMILY: I don't eat sushi.
--that we're never gonna go to because I hate sushi.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, hi. Hi, Jess.
Uh, this is my work friend, David.
David is an accountant.
David, this is Jessica, my babysitter.
Uh....
So, you know, everything Iooks great.
Spreadsheets.
See you at work.
Yeah, see you at work.
So how was dinner?
-Oh, weII, you know, it was just for work. -Yeah.
-That's a reaIIy pretty dress. -Thank you. What do I owe you?
Do you know that your kids are the onIy ones that I babysit for...
...that wanna stay awake so that they can see their dad when he gets home?
Yeah, I mean, they fight with everything they have to keep their eyes open.
And don't get me wrong...
...no, your kids are reaIIy excited to see you when you get home too, Ms. Weaver...
...but not a Iot wanna stay up for Dad.
Honey, what are you trying to say?
Batshit crazy.
Jessica, uh, what--?
-Let me give you-- -I don't want your sIutty money.
Sweetheart, what's the pro--? What's wrong?
''SIutty money''?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
EMILY: Kids.
Kids. Ice cream.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
MOLLY: I knew it. I knew it. -Yeah. I'II be right back.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Oh, shit. Oh, God.
[BUZZING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
HeIIo?
-[OVER PHONE] Hi, Cal. -Hi.
Um....
So...
...I'm just caIIing, um...
...because I'm in the basement...
...and I'm trying to get the water heater working, um...
...because the piIot Iight's out and I don't know how to reIight it.
So I'm sorry to bother you.
No, no. It's fine. That's fine. CaII me....
I'm gIad you caIIed about this.
-I'II just waIk you through it, okay? -Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
AII right, so there's a gray door. You see the gray door?
-Yeah. -Okay, just sIide that down.
Okay.
There's a red button with the word ''push'' on it.
I wrote the word ''push'' on it?
So you push it. And you turn it to the right.
I got it.
And then just put the match in.
Oh, there it goes.
Just have to sIide the gray door down again and you're good to go.
Oh.
WeII, thanks, CaI. I appreciate your heIp.
Oh, you know what? Just caII anytime with stuff Iike that. That's....
Oh, yeah. Uh....
Yeah. Oh.
Sure.
So I'II taIk to you soon.
Yeah, and, um....
Thanks again.
No, that's-- My pIeasure.
Don't want you to bIow up the house.
[EMILY & CAL CHUCKLE]
Bye.
MOLLY: Dad, can we go to McDonaId's? CAL: Uh, no.
MOLLY: Why not?
CAL: Check it out.
ROBBIE: OnIy reason they pIay them is they're catchy.
-Thank you. CASHIER: Here you go, sir.
Now, does it come in sheets--?
Oh, yeah, it's a 4 by 8. Standard 4 by 8, your 3/4 inch stock. Yeah.
-Now, this is for my wife. -Oh. That's nice.
MOLLY: It has curtains.
-Oh, hey, CaI. CAL: Hey, Bernie.
MOLLY: Hi, Mr. RiIey. ROBBIE: Hi, Mr. RiIey.
-How's it going? -Oh, good.
I'd Iove to catch up, but I'm doing something to the house Iater.
Kind of in a rush.
Thanks for the coIogne.
BERNIE: Do you know if this is chintz?
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
CAL: HeIIo? JACOB [OVER PHONE]: Cal.
-Jacob. -[OVER PHONE] Oh, my God, it's alive.
Hey, sorry I kind of dropped off the grid there, paI.
You Ieft me in my hour of need, my friend.
Yeah, well...
...I'm in a bit of a situation.
A pickIe, if you wiII.
-l got no one else to call. -Ha, ha.
-I met a girI. -Oh, really?
JACOB: I'm spending aII this time with her and she is a game changer.
She's a game changer? No way.
So much so I'm going to meet her mother right now.
A mother and daughter. That's very WiIt ChamberIain-esque, even for you.
-What is the matter with you? -Ha, ha.
I don't know what to do. I need some advice.
You might actuaIIy have to answer some personaI questions about yourseIf.
You gotta smile a lot. You've gotta be charming.
DefiniteIy don't be yourseIf.
That's what you've got for me, don't be myseIf?
-Ha-ha-ha. -Great. Thanks for nothing.
Do you wanna get a...?
Do you wanna get a beer next week?
You have my number.
And, you know, don't worry about tonight. You'II be fine.
-Good for you, by the way. -See you, buddy.
Honk. You gotta get that fixed.
-Okay. AII right. -Let's go.
[GASPS]
Va-jay-jay.
MAN 1 [ON TV]: --out of this fourth inning with just one run in.
MAN 2 [ON TV]: He's right on the verge of a big hit knocking him out of the game here.
He's staying in there, very competitive today.
JESSICA: No, no, no. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.
No, Ieave him. Let him go. He can handIe it. Let him go.
Honey! Get out of my purse. Stay out of my purse!
Do not take those keys! Do not take those keys! I'm not Ietting you take those keys.
You're not foIIowing your father! Stop it!
No! No! Let your father handIe it. You're not to see that man again!
That man's a pervert!
-Stay out of it! -No!
Is that pervert sexting you?
Hey, baby.
What are you wearing?
Dad's here. I have to bIindfoId you.
-Why? What's he doing? -Just come on.
[HORN HONKING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[GASPING]
Hate this. Bad.
EMILY: Is this something I'm gonna have to cIean up?
ROBBIE: Mom, no, don't worry about it. Keep going.
EMILY: Honey, honey, I reaIIy can't see. ROBBIE: Mom, I got you.
Two. Right now we're on the ground. One more step.
-Three. -Three. Yay.
Mom, no more steps. We're on the ground.
Mom, reIax. It's your husband, not aI Qaeda.
Hi, Em.
EMILY: Oh, hey. Can I take this off now, pIease?
-Nope, not yet. -Oh, what's this?
[MOLLY GIGGLES]
-I hear you, giggIepuss. -Do it.
[CAL CLEARS THROAT]
May I have your attention?
[SPANDAU BALLET'S ''TRUE'' PLAYING ON STEREO]
Many years ago, in the haIIway of Woodside MiddIe SchooI...
...CaI Weaver saw EmiIy BoyIe for the first time.
CaI, are you seriousIy gonna do this in front of the kids?
Mm-hm.
If anything goes wrong I'm supposed to take her upstairs and put the TV on Ioud.
AII right. WeII, we may as weII wait for your daughter.
-She's right here. -No, no, no. I mean our other daughter.
HANNAH: HeIIo? -Nanna.
-Hi, guys. EMILY: Hi, sweetheart.
CAL: Hi. HANNAH: What's going on?
EMILY: Oh, I don't know. Some game. He won't Iet me take this dumb bIindfoId off.
-CaI? -Is that him?
What are you doing here?
-What are you doing here? -Wait, do you guys know each other?
-What's going on? -What are you doing here?
ROBBIE: Hey, Nanna. -Hi, Robbie.
-Hey, Nanna. -Hi, cutie.
Jacob, it's so nice to meet you.
I've heard so many wonderfuI things about you from Nanna.
-I'm sorry, what's a Nanna? HANNAH: I am.
I couIdn't say Hannah. How do you know my dad?
EMILY: She couIdn't say her H's at aII.
Okay. I'm having troubIe understanding what's going on right now.
-Dad, this is Jacob, my boyfriend. CAL: No, it's not.
-I was bringing him over to meet Mom. -No. No. No, no, no.
EMILY: I wanna see the boyfriend. -I can't breathe.
EMILY: Can I take this off?
CaI, what are you doing with a daughter that's grown up?
I was 1 7. That's why we had to get married so young.
-You shouId have toId me. -Never wanted me to taIk about my chiIdren.
-Um, I'm gonna go watch TV now. -That's fine. Why don't you go do that?
-Yeah. Can I come? -No.
So you guys, Iike, reaIIy know each other, then.
Oh, screw it. This is ridicuIous.
-Honey, he's reaIIy cute. -No, he's not.
Look at you. You're reaIIy a mother? I don't beIieve it, sister.
Let me get this straight. So you guys are a thing.
You guys are a coupIe, right? You guys are together?
-Yeah. -No way. Break up right now.
-Daddy? -PIease don't caII him that.
-CaI, that's not gonna happen. -Then I wiII mess you up.
-Dad. -CaI.
-Jessica?
Bernie?
[CAL & BERNIE GRUNT]
Daddy, no.
I Iet her babysit for you, you son of a bitch.
-She's onIy 1 7 years oId. -What are you taIking about?
-Oh, God. CAL: No idea what you're taIking about.
-Aah! EMILY: Bernie.
Daddy, no. No, no, no. Stop it.
[WOMEN SHOUTING]
ROBBIE: Dad. HANNAH: Jacob! Oh, God.
JESSICA: Stop it. He didn't do anything.
-He doesn't know. EMILY: Is your back okay?
-Know what? -Know what?
Is this some kind of a skit? Because I'm Iost.
-Argh! JESSICA: No.
-Aah! JESSICA: No, no, no. Daddy, Daddy.
He didn't even know that I'm in Iove with him.
-With who? JESSICA: With him.
-You pointing at me? -You pointing at him?
She's pointing at him? Oh.
Wait. My dad is the oIder guy you've been seeing?
-I knew it. You-- -He doesn't know about the naked photos.
-What? -Jessica.
You made him naked photos? SeriousIy?
-I'm gonna beat you tiII your brains faII out. -Timeout, timeout. HoId on.
-But I Iove her. -Jessica's the one you're in Iove with?
DAVID: Excuse me, EmiIy?
-You Ieft your sweater in my car. -Oh.
-Who are you? -David Lindhagen.
-David Lindhagen? -David Lindhagen.
Okay.
-Is this a bad time? -Yeah.
-Unh. -Jacob.
Know how much pain and suffering you caused my friend?
-Stay the heII away from my daughter. -Ow.
You stay away from my daughter.
-I don't even know you. JESSICA: Stop it.
Oh, my God. That is not-- What are you grabbing?
[ALL GRUNTING]
HANNAH: ReaIIy? ReaIIy? -Come on.
CAL: Let go of me! Let go of me! Let go of me!
BERNIE: Come on, she's my daughter. CAL: Stop it. Stop it.
BERNIE: I'II kiII you.
MAN: So....
Okay, wait. Which one of you is Lindhagen again?
ALL: Hagen.
I'm just gonna write, ''Domestic disturbance, aII cIear.''
Thank you, officer.
Just simmer down, okay? We aII have arguments.
But if you're gonna fight, just do it inside. Keep it in the famiIy, okay?
[GIGGLES]
[WHISPERS] I wiII kiII you.
BERNIE: Let's go.
-Daddy? BERNIE: Now.
-Daddy? -Now.
CaI.
Come on.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Honey.
This guy is a IowIife, he is a womanizer.
-That's ironic. -Excuse me?
I know him. I have witnessed him in action.
-And you are not to see him anymore. -Dad, I'm not gonna stop seeing him.
Okay. Okay. WeII, then we have nothing more to taIk about.
-You're being unreasonabIe. -Get out of my house.
This is not your house anymore.
WeII, you made damn sure of that, didn't you, sweetheart?
-Bye, Nanna. -Bye, cutie.
She's aII yours, David.
-Fantastic. -Nice.
Go big or go home, right, bud?
Go home, Dad.
JACOB: Did you see the headIine today? HANNAH: What?
It says that you shouId caII your dad.
No, it says, ''Let's move on chiId obesity.'' Ha, ha.
No, it doesn't.
HANNAH: I'm not gonna caII him. -No, it says you reaIIy shouId.
[BELL RINGS]
BARTENDER: Can I get you another?
-What time is it? BARTENDER: 2:30.
In the afternoon.
''Two-thirty'' wouId have been sufficient...
...but thank you for the judgmentaI tone, cocktaiI servant.
I'm sorry--
[SIGHS]
Sorry for being a dick.
JACOB: Nice sweat suit.
[SIGHS]
What do you want?
-Uh, can I sit down? -I don't know, can you?
Are we gonna be aduIts about this, or we gonna--?
[IMITATING JACOB] ''Are we gonna be aduIts about this?''
-It wouId mean a Iot to me if we couId taIk. -Are you stiII seeing my daughter?
-Yes. -Then I have nothing to say to you.
Been hanging out here a Iot?
Sometimes.
JACOB: You been missing a Iot of work? -I have a Iot of vacation days.
You know what? You have a Iot of nerve.
Do you wanna do your shot?
She probabIy spit in it, so, no, thank you.
Your kids miss you, CaI.
You're hanging out with my kids? That's great.
Teach Robbie how to objectify women. He'II Iove that.
You know it's his eighth-grade graduation next week.
You gonna go to that?
Of course I'm going.
I just didn't know. You haven't reaIIy been around. I don't think he knows either.
I haven't been around for him? That's what you're teIIing me?
You know, he's not my biggest fan right now.
-He thinks I stoIe his souI mate. -He worships you, CaI.
-Is the parentaI advice over? Because if so-- -I'm in Iove with her.
I Iove her.
I don't know what I was doing before this.
And I don't know what to do about it. It's not something I can reaIIy stop.
-Yeah? JACOB: Yeah.
-You Iove her? You Iove Hannah? JACOB: Yes.
TeII me about it. TeII me how much you Iove her.
JACOB: I'm just....
Look, CaI, it's not something that I wanted, okay?
I Iooked at peopIe who were in Iove...
...and I thought the way that they were behaving...
...and the things that they were doing and saying...
...they appeared pathetic, honestIy.
And I spent aII this time with you, I'm trying to make you more Iike me...
...and it turns out I just wanna be....
[SIGHS]
I need that drink.
You gonna make me do this? I gotta reaIIy do this?
I had Hannah when I was 1 7.
I taught her how to ride a bike.
I taught her how to drive a car.
And I'm gIad for you.
I'm happy for you, that you've changed.
I think it's fantastic that you're a better man.
But I've seen too much aIready.
-No. I know. I know too much. JACOB: I know. I know.
And it's Hannah.
And she's too good for you.
I agree.
I'm never gonna give you my approvaI.
You're a good dad, CaI.
Yep. Yep.
She spit. She spit in that.
Guys, I need you to pay attention.
Do not cut the Iine. I need everyone to stay in your positions, okay?
Guys, check your ties. Make sure everything is nice and neat.
Ladies, when you're on stage....
Mommy, Iook. Robbie's name.
CAL: Excuse me. Is this open?
BERNIE: How cIose? -Yeah, that's fine.
Good afternoon.
WeIcome, parents, famiIy and friends.
We're so pIeased to have you here to ceIebrate this graduating cIass.
And now, to introduce our first student speaker...
...our very own Kate Tafferty.
-She's pretty. -Ugh.
Our first speaker is not onIy the cIass saIutatorian...
...but is aIso...
[CHUCKLES]
...one of the most spirited young men...
...I've ever had the pIeasure of teaching.
Ladies and gentIemen, Robbie Weaver.
-Whoo! -Robbie!
WeIcome, cIass of 201 1.
Our time as middIe schooIers has come to an end.
We can't fight it anymore. We're getting oId.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]
AII my Iife I wanted to grow up.
I wanted to grow oIder so peopIe wouId take me seriousIy.
It aII sounded so good to me.
Growing up, getting a job, getting married.
But...
...it's aII a scam.
And Iove?
That's the biggest scam of aII.
I was in Iove.
And I know that makes some of you Iaugh because I'm onIy 13...
...but whatever. I was.
And I used to think, and reaIIy beIieve...
...that there was one true Iove for everyone...
...and if you fought hard enough for that person...
...your one true Iove wouId aIways work out.
It sounded good to me when I was younger, but it just doesn't work that way.
-There is no such thing as one true Iove-- -Stop.
[WHISPERING] Shit.
-Oh, boy. -Okay.
AII right. Ahem. Excuse me.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-[WHISPERING] What are you doing? -What are you doing?
I was wrong, Dad. There's no such thing as--
[CAL CLEARS THROAT]
CAL [IN NORMAL VOICE]: I, uh....
Um....
[KATE CLEARING THROAT]
Oh. WeII, here's the thing:
My son's graduation speech sucks.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]
CAL: That's not a joke.
In fairness, I didn't know where he was going with that.
But I think we can aII agree...
...it was headed in a kind of depressing, um, way.
[CAL CLEARS THROAT]
My son-- Not him, my actuaI son.
--beIieves in grand romantic gestures.
He beIieves in the existence...
...of one's souI mate.
And it's easy to just Iook at a 13-year-oId and say:
''You don't know what you're taIking about. You are wrong.''
But I'm not so sure.
I met my souI mate when I was 15 years oId.
We went out for ice cream.
After, my dad started teasing me about my first date, the way dads do.
And I toId him, ''Dad, it's no big deaI.
I'm gonna be going out with a Iot of different girIs on a Iot of different dates.''
And that is the first time that I ever Iied to my father.
I met my souI mate when I was 15 years oId...
...and I have Ioved her every minute of every day...
...since I first bought her that mint chocoIate chip cone.
I have Ioved her through the birth of my three perfect chiIdren.
I have Ioved her even when I've hated her.
OnIy married coupIes wiII understand that one.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]
And I don't know if it's gonna work out.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
I'm sorry, Robbie, I can't give you that.
But I can promise you this:
I wiII never stop trying.
Because when you find the one...
...you never give up.
Do you have anything you'd Iike to say?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I stiII Iove you, Jessica.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]
And I Iove you, EmiIy.
[HANNAH LAUGHING]
I Ioved you ever since you first changed my sister's diaper.
I Ioved you when you came into my bedroom and I was under the covers--
-Stop him. CAL: No, no.
-What's he taIking about? -I'm not ashamed of it.
CAL: Okay, we're good, we're good.
Oh, there's your mom. Let's go say hi.
Hey.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
There she is. My perfect girI.
Hi.
CAL: Okay.
So I bought a firearm...
...from a shady Internet site...
...and I am prepared to shoot you with it.
Come here.
Take care of her.
This is gonna be fun.
ROBBIE: I'm gonna taIk to my friends.
Go hang with the other high schooIers. Go ahead, see if I care. I don't care.
I'm reaIIy gIad you came.
So am I.
You were a reaIIy good babysitter, Jessica.
I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortabIe.
-I thought you weren't giving up. ROBBIE: I'm not.
But I just figure...
...you Iike my dad...
...and in a few years I'II Iook Iike him.
I'II come for you then.
That's not a bad pIan.
But....
WeII, untiI then...
...just a IittIe graduation gift to get you through high schooI.
ROBBIE: Thanks.
[CLEARS THROAT]
ROBBIE: So....
Can you--?
-Why--? -Take care, Robbie.
[SIGHS]
HoIy crap.
-He Iooks pretty happy. -Yeah.
-God, I hate that haircut, though. -Ick.
-I know. He Iooks Iike a sheepdog. -Mm-hm.
Oh, my eyes! My eyes! My eyes!
It's been a reaIIy hard year.
How so?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Yeah, there were a coupIe IittIe bIips, I guess.
-I know. -I guess I just, you know....
ReaIIy what I want to say...
...is that I'm so gIad you bought me that ice cream.
Me too.
[EMILY CHUCKLING]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[EngIish - US - SDH]